Preparing For Battle

it is hard to nurture a demanding child.


it is hard to nurture a demanding child.


It is hard to nurture a demanding child.


It is hard to nurture a demanding child.

IT IS HARD TO NURTURE A DEMANDING CHILD!

Did I make myself clear? Did I just have a really difficult day today? No. It's just that I've been thinking about the business of raising children lately. Here's my sweet little Anna, as a newborn:

So precious. I just want to scoop her out of the picture and smother her with kisses. No one can argue about how easy it is to love and nurture a newborn. Sure, they wake up in the middle of the night, and it is demanding being ever-present to another being twenty-four hours a day. Still, a newborn is pure unconditional love.

Here's where I think a giant misconception occurs in the minds of many parents, including myself. When I had my first cuddly newborn seventeen years ago, I never imagined I could ever feel anything but pure unadulterated love for my son. In my mind, abundant love translated into the idea that parenting is natural and easy. I knew that there would be bumps in the road, but I didn't know that there would be times (with all my children) when I would feel exasperated, worn out, and unloving.

If I were to start an exercise regiment, I would expect it to be super hard if I wanted to see results. No pain, no gain...right? I would be willing to carry on, despite the exhaustion and pain. I think the exercise mentality would suit well in parenting. We must realize as parents, that it is indeed hard work nurturing a demanding child. When Anna is throwing a fit (unfortunately she does that quite a bit), it would be so easy for me to just stick her in a room to "cry it out" or yell at her or even slap her. Such reactionary measures may quiet her for the time being, but what would they do to her spirit? Should she be taught that when she is upset she will be abandoned? Or the way to get compliance is to scream louder or hit someone? Sometimes it takes every fiber in my being to maintain a peaceful and calm disposition in the midst of such a situation.

Instinct is not always the best resort when your child is 'misbehaving.' Sometimes our instinct is to take the path of least resistance, regardless of the ensuing damage. How many hurtful words have been said in reaction to a situation? Something that is helping me in this area is to prepare for the battle before it happens. Just as I would gear up for a new exercise program, I mentally prepare myself for what I will do when my child is being demanding. First I look at possible causes. Is she hungry? Tired? Thirsty? So many times I can help her out by just meeting a simple overlooked need. If that doesn't help, I bring her into a quiet room and stay with her until she settles down. It's usually all over in a couple of minutes. Then, if she hasn't fallen asleep, we get back to playing or cooking, or whatever we were doing before the outburst. I feel so much better as a parent when I have nurtured my child in such a situation, and I know that kindness and patience speak volumes to a distressed child!

A Different Kind of Music

A Thing Of Beauty~ John Keats

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its lovliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkn'd ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.

I had such a treat last night. We were invited to our friends' house for dinner. My friend has been reading the poetry of Keats with her children. After dinner, I was honored to have her read the above poem to me. My friend has such a pleasant, soothing voice. It was lovely! She told me about some of the other Keats "resources" they have been using. Bright Star is the movie documenting Keats' life. Very moving and romantic. This book is very good for introducing Keats to children. I am checking it out from our local library. Don't forget to weave poetry into your day. Poetry is music!

From Part To Whole

Every once in a while, I stumble upon a children's book that I am surprised I have not discovered before. Tonight I read Seven Blind Mice to my younger children, and the moral of the story can apply directly to learning! While this book won a Caldecott Award, I wasn't as struck by the art work, as I was by the concept of the story.

Seven blind mice start out one day and find a "strange something." Each day of the week a different mouse goes to see if he can figure out what the "something" is. It is actually an elephant, but since the mice are blind, they can only tell what the mystery object is by touching. Each mouse only feels one part of the elephant, and by only touching part, makes a judgement about what it is. The first mouse, who touches the elephant's leg, claims the something is a pillar. The second mouse, feeling only the elephant's trunk, claims it is a snake. Eventually, all the mice but one are arguing over what it is, each mouse making his judgement from his limited experience. Finally, on Saturday, the last mouse goes out (the only female mouse) and runs across the elephant from end to end. She discovers, as she views the elephant in its entirety, that the mysterious something is an elephant! The story ends with a "mouse moral" : "Knowing in part may make a fine tale, but wisdom comes from seeing the whole."

My children enjoyed the story and the unique artwork, and I was left thinking about how the "mouse moral" applies to learning. Institutionalized education takes learning and breaks it into parts. Chemistry is separate from History, Math is separate from Geography. This isn't real life. Elements in chemistry become real when we know the amazing history of their discovery! Try making a map or reading a map scale without doing math! The fact is that learning is an integrated process. Maybe kids can get "good grades" and achieve mastery in certain areas by studying parts, but in most cases learning does not come alive until we move towards the whole.

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Little Things:

Today Sam, our eight year old, was sitting at the dining room table eating lunch. Out of the blue he asked, "Mom, what does 'times' mean?" I said, "Times means when you have more than one of something...like two times three would mean you have two threes. Five times four would mean you have five fours. You can add the fours to get an answer." He was quiet for a while and then said, "So three times twenty would be sixty?" "Exactly!", I said...happy that it doesn't take hours of boring workbooks to learn math.

Oliver, our ten year old, said to me today, "I think my worst expression of all times is 'children should be seen and and not heard.' It's like adults are better just because they're older or something, and kids have nothing good to say." I meant to ask him where he heard the expression....

Will, our seventeen year old, said to me after devouring a plate of biscuits and sausage gravy, "I don't understand why anyone would pay to eat out when you can have food this good at home!" He learned how to make the biscuits today so that he can make them for himself some time.

Here To There

Almost fifteen years ago, when our oldest son was two, I began to research homeschooling. Believe it or not, even that recently, homeschooling was an empty desert compared to what it is now! The first book I read on the subject was probably the Colfax's book, Homeschooling For Excellence. I liked the book, and I was encouraged to read more. The more I read, the more I loved the idea of learning at home. I knew that homeschooling was what I wanted for my children.

There was one problem in my preliminary research, however. A recurring theme in the literature was academic success made easy! Just give your kids tons of books to read, throw out the TV, do a little math, and BOOM! your kids will be ready for Harvard. The idea I ran into over and over was that the homeschooling lifestyle turns out geniuses, guaranteed. I'm afraid to say that I chose our homeschooling philosophy for the wrong reasons.

Of course, I wanted our children to love learning and not be fettered by the artificial atmosphere of institutionalized education, but I have to say, my eye was on the prize; and the prize was academic success. Let me pause here and make myself clear: I certainly value academic success. It goes without saying that I want my children to be confident and successful in life! The difference is that I now know that academic success is not the be all and end all of education. What happens when Junior isn't a big reader? What if he wants to be a mechanic and not a lawyer or doctor? What if he wants to work at Burger King? Is that OK? One of my sons said that he "wants to work at a fast food place because all of the workers seem so cheerful." I think it's important to ask ourselves these questions when thinking about educating our children at home.

About half way into my homeschooling career, I made a discovery. After countless purchases of the 'right' materials, after agonizing over not being able to find a "schedule" that works, after accepting the fact that one of my sons would never come to love reading "chapter" books, and that he would happily spend an entire afternoon exploring the river in place of any academics, I gave up. Mentally, I could not handle orchestrating all the details of my children's' lives. I tried to find a homeschooling label for us to fit under, but the fact is that WE ARE JUST US. I discovered that all along, I was seeing homeschooling as a means to an end. I was viewing my children as products to be turned out, rather than unique human beings that need to be nurtured and loved for who they are! This has been such a difficult journey!

I think one of the reasons the journey to unschooling is difficult for so many parents is the myths that abound regarding education. Here are a few: "If you don't get great grades and do awesome on your SAT, you won't succeed in life.", "If you don't get used to spending hours doing academics, you will become lazy.", "If you really love your kids, then you will make them crack the books..." On and on it goes. We are taught through all these messages that if we choose a freer lifestyle for our children, WE WILL BE DAMAGING THEM. Whew. That's a tough burden to carry! We feel that the responsibility for the way our children "turn out" hinges on our ability (or lack of ability) to mold them as the perfect scholars.

It's time for a change in perspective. Rather than focusing on academic success, we need to focus on how our children are developing as individuals. Do they enjoy their lives? That's important! Are they able to reach out to others and have compassion? Do they embrace learning, whether they are learning on their i-pods, watching a movie, or reading a good book? All the academic success in the world isn't worth it if my kids don't enjoy learning new things. Along those lines, it's important that we let our kids know that all kinds of learning are acceptable. It's so ingrained in our culture that if we don't learn something from a book, if it isn't hard, then it's not learning.

Don't be afraid to let the wheels in your brain start turning! Think in terms of what you can do to enrich the lives of your children at this moment. It may be as simple as sitting and watching a movie with them or taking a ride in the car and having a truly-present converstion with them. I think if we think in terms of what we CAN do, rather then what we should or shouldn't do with our kids, our lives become richer, bigger, and successful in ways that truly matter.

Starting Point

I started blogging about a year and a half ago. I have really enjoyed it! There is something, however, I have always felt missing in my blog. In an effort to fill the perceived void, I have toyed with other blogs, only to have them come to a standstill when the void still wasn't filled! Tonight I realized something: My family blog is a place to record family happenings, pictures, life in our household- but it's not really the best place to expound on different philosophies, thoughts, ideas...I realized that I want a place to just write, and not worry about pictures, layout, etc... This is kind of my place to think through writing. You're welcome to read my thoughts, and (please) add to the discussion when you feel moved to do so.